From mjd@plover.com Thu Sep 6 02:53:47 EDT 2001 Article: 350713 of talk.bizarre Path: newshog.newsread.com!bad-news.newsread.com!netaxs.com!newsread.com!POSTED.newshog.newsread.com!not-for-mail Newsgroups: talk.bizarre Subject: [N]idify Organization: Eaters of Wisdom X-Subliminal-Catchphrase: ``Lysergic Lemonade'' Keywords: Lise, fluid, popular, subsistent From: mjd@plover.com (Der Steinhauer) Message-ID: <3b9716bf.6540$200@news.op.net> X-OpNet-Trace: news1.op.net 999757503 25920.512 plover.com i/junko c/local Lines: 96 Date: Thu, 06 Sep 2001 06:25:04 GMT NNTP-Posting-Host: 207.29.195.22 X-Complaints-To: Abuse Role , We Care X-Trace: newshog.newsread.com 999757504 207.29.195.22 (Thu, 06 Sep 2001 02:25:04 EDT) NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 06 Sep 2001 02:25:04 EDT Xref: bad-news.newsread.com talk.bizarre:350713 One upon a time, there were three little pigs. Upon completing their respective baccalaureates, the three little pigs went off into the world to seek their fortunes. The first little pig had a Bachelor of Materials Engineering with a concentration in Masonry and Ceramics Studies, so he build his nest out of brick. The second little pig had a Bachelor of Science in Forestry degree resulting from the University's program in Forest Resources Management. The second little pig had also taken the opportunity to obtain a minor specialization in Wood Products Processing, so he built his nest out of sticks. The third little pig graduated from the Department of Agribusiness, Applied Economics and Agriscience Education with a degree in Agricultural Economics. His senior thesis had been on the optimization of fodder production, so he built his nest out of straw. One day a big, bad wolf obtained sharp provolone cheese and sweet peppers and came wandering through the forest in search of lunch meats, for he planned to make an Italian hoagie for lunch. He came upon the first little pig, sitting in his nest of bricks. The big bad wolf robbed his paws together gleefully and got out his rotating meat slicer. His eyes gleamed cruelly as he thought about the delectable sandwich he would have for lunch. "Little pig, little pig, I'll slice you thin!" he cried. "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!" replied the little pig, and then realized his error. His little porky hindquarters were painfully cramped from squatting on the hard cold brick, and he couldn't flee. The big bad wolf fed him into the giant blade of the slicer and turned him into a moist and delicious mortadella. The wolf then proceeded down the path until he encountered the nest of the second little pig. The second little pig was not and stiff as the first one, but he was reluctant to leave his nest because he was sitting on his eggs. "Little pig, little pig, I'll slice you thin!" shouted the wolf with glee. "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin chin!" "You and your goddamn sculpted sideburns," complained the wolf. "College kids look more ridiculous every day," and he grabbed the little pig by the aforementioned sideburns and stuck him in the slicer, tarrying only long enough to turn the piggie into pancetta. Then, tarrying only long enough to set fire to the nest, he cooked the pancetta until it was crispy and continued on down the forest path, with the eggs in his pocket. Shortly thereafter the wolf happened by the nest of the third little pig. The little pig was sitting back in his nest inhaling through an enormous bong and eating giant-size Oreo cookies. "Little pig, little pig, I'll slice you thin!" announced the wolf. The little pig blinked at him. "Whoah," he said. "I guess this shit was worth two hundred bucks an ounce after all." The big bad wold grabbed for the little pig's hindquarters, but the pig saw him coming, and more through the agency of good fortune than any other, kicked the wolf in the snout with his hard, sharp little hooves. "Dude!" cried the little pig. "By the hair of my chinny-chin-chin, this is a bad trip!" The wolf lunged for the little pig, who at that moment overbalanced and fell completely out of the nest of straw. The wolf landed in a heap in the middle. The little pig picked himself up and stood on the ground beside the nest, eye-to-eye with the wolf. "Want some Oreos, dude?" he inquired. The wolf was about to answer, but couldn't, because he was about to sneeze. As it happened, he was badly afflicted by hay fever, and it turned out that the nest was made of hay. Wait, I thought it was straw. "No way, dude," said the pig. "My senior thesis was on the optimization of fodder production, remember?" Right, I forgot. Hay or straw, the wolf was allergic, and was temporarily incapacitated by streaming eyes and a sneezing fit. He wheezed and he gasped, honked and he coughed, and he huffed and he puffed, and he blew the hay away. And just as the last of the nest was disappearing towards the horizon, borne on the winds of the wolf's powerful histamine reaction, the wolf, blinded by his streaming eyes, fell into his own meat-slicer and was neatly julienned. The third little piggie then got the mayonnaise, and assembled and ate a delicious hoagie, because he had a massive attack of the munchies. The end. -- @P=split//,".URRUU\c8R";@d=split//,"\nrekcah xinU / lreP rehtona tsuJ";sub p{ @p{"r$p","u$p"}=(P,P);pipe"r$p","u$p";++$p;($q*=2)+=$f=!fork;map{$P=$P[$f^ord ($p{$_})&6];$p{$_}=/ ^$P/ix?$P:close$_}keys%p}p;p;p;p;p;map{$p{$_}=~/^[P.]/&& close$_}%p;wait until$?;map{/^r/&&<$_>}%p;$_=$d[$q];sleep rand(2)if/\S/;print