Name This Creature

• A monkey
• A baboon
• A demon
• An imp
• A knockwurst sprite
• A gargoyle
• A tiger, lion, etc. Choose one:
  • Cougar
  • Leopard
  • Lion
  • Panther
  • Puma
  • Tiger
  Cub?

• A deity. Choose one:
  • Minor Deity
  • Major Deity

  Deities usually have a purview or an area of expertise. What is this deity's area of expertise? (Respondents so far have suggested: DOOM, Nartual Source Sauage Casings, bar golf, comedic hijinks, comfort, concsious thought, constipation, counting parentheses in LISP code, ear wax, ennui, exploration, fairy godmother, falling out of windows, felching, fermentation, good lunches, grazing, green bubbles, guilt, hucksterism, humor, inner peace, insight, insight, memory or mind, mischief, nose picking, obfuscation, obsession, patience, pedagogy, physics, procrastination, programming, satisfaction. satisfying defecation, sex drive. sexual potency, sitting in the corner of the bar, sleeping, software snakes and bugs, suspicion, the perverse, thinking, transhumanity, vegetable oils, wellbeing, and world devouring.

• Something else:

The creature's sex: (Choose one.)

• Male
• Female
• Both
• Neither
• Irrelevant

The statue's name appears to be: (Choose one) (`Alum (mesosoic)') (`The Amused One') (`Arnold Palmer') (`Aslan') (`Bahoozny') (`Bantaal') (`Belshazzar') (`Boaz') (`Bobbitt') (`Bruce') (`Calumet') (`Carl') (`Catharsis') (`Celcius') (`Chester Mudflump') (`Chjort'') (`Cogito') (`Corky') (`Dervin') (`Dingus') (`Dominick') (`Fellatius') (`Foobar') (`Francis') (`Fred') (`Frobitz') (`Galactacus, Devourer of Worlds') (`George (the pentant)') (`Gimp') (`Glaubsch') (`Glum') (`GoGo') (`Gomer') (`Harold') (`He Who Goes Unnamed') (`Helmut Jaegermeister') (`Hofmann') (`Hubert') (`I knew it') (`Icky-icky-bang-zpow! Oh boy!') (`Irving') (`Jeremiah Unseen') (`Layoon') (`Lenny') (`Lethe') (`Lonely Guy') (`Mel!') (`Mordechai') (`Mortimer') (`Mugwump') (`Nasrudin') (`Nittany') (`Pann-Tharr') (`Paulchen') (`The Penn State Nittany Lion') (`Persephone') (`Prymaat') (`Puck') (`Putitoffa Untiltomorra') (`Quitan') (`Relby') (`The Richard') (`Richard Nixon') (`Roconamathradan') (`Ron') (`Roraronaron') (`Saeral') (`Sarael') (`Seldane') (`September') (`Sidney') (`Simon') (`Slumber') (`Smerdl') (`Spaabald') (`Spiro Agnew') (`Spondle') (`Ty!kung, The Bemused One') (`UberWurstFührer') (`Your (personal) imp') ()

Forms are hard for creative communication---I have to guess what you'll want to say and then let you say it. If there's something you want to say about this statue's motivations, or its raison d'être, or anything else, please add it here:

Comments other people have made:

• Zeke generally sits around smugly, hunched up, as pictured above. However, he occasionally pulls a cute prank, thus increasing his smugness. You should check to make sure all your stuff isn't subtly moved around or covered with a strange-smelling ichor that vanishes as soon as you try to show a coworker.
• He saw infinity once; now everything just amuses him.
• From his posture, he's probably Vietnamese.
• Give the little guy time. I reckon he'll wake eventually.
• It seems to be a mischievous little gobblin always getting into trouble. I would be careful to leave this statue unattended for I hear these types of creatures like to burn and destroy important (and not-so-important) documents!
• You are very lucky to have your work environment protected by such a gargoyle.
• It reminds me of a fairytale/mythologi from Bali, maybe you can get some inspiration from there.
• It is obviously waiting for something. It appears to be a guardian that will spring into action if some event occurs. If it occurs, the imp will spring into action, unleashing its destructive powers. It is vigilantly watching for (guarding against) sacrilege. My advice is to avoid sacrilege, especially its presence.
• This seems to be a statue of a Deity who got really bored with god-like beaurocracy, and decided to go down and watch mortals, because the way we act seems very amusing to him.
• Definitely, this is the Penn State Nittany Lion. There's a much larger statue of him in the north-west end of campus, and in a much more traditional pose. I'm sure you'll find the Penn State logo tattooed subtlely on his butt.

  I know, how boring. That's what we say.

• You're a brave man. One of these, atop my Workstation, would drive me crazy in three days.
• This little gargoyle knows the answer. Whatever question is now bothering you, he already knows the answer. He watches you, patiently waiting for you to discover the answer for yourself. He is your Zen master; you are the student pondering his koan. (But he won't hit you with a cane if you don't figure it out.)
• I think he has just been hurt very badly, emotionally.
• Someone I know got one of these from a plaster casting shop on Newbury St. in Boston. I hope to be able to find another one as a gift soon!
• Whomever pointed out that the statue is waiting for something is right on the mark. More importantly, the statue is waiting for YOU to do something. You're the one it's watching.

  The statue was selected by you. First, you expressed your personality to your friend Chien, who then selected a statue appropriate to you. In this way, the statue is a reflection of your personality. Secondly, you opted to give this statue a prominent position over your computer, where it can watch you and perhaps influence you. You have chosen it above all your other trinkets for this position. In this way, too, the statue is a reflection of your self.

  The conclusion I would draw is that the statue is watching for you to do something because YOU are waiting for you to do something. It is as if some part of your unconscious has said, "How do I get the message across to him that I want him to do something? Umm... Aha! I'll take this statue and put it in front of his computer!" Through the statue, your unconscious is hoping to get your attention. (It has probably succeeded).

  If you want to know what the watcher wants you to do, here is my suggestion: place its statue near your bed, where you can see it. As you are going to sleep, repeatedly ask the watcher what it wants. Later, during the night, the watcher will appear to you in a dream (perhaps in altered form). Again, during the dream, ask it what it wants. It will tell you.

• He looks like he's remembering something that was pleasant or a little amusing. Perhaps his job is to help you remember good things, or forget things, or maybe he sends dreams or inspirations.

  Most people seem to have assumed it's a 'he' -- me included! Maybe you need boxes for gender. Though I don't guess many Americans will think it's female.

  Some deities appear as animals. I don't think he's any animal that ever lived on Earth, even though he looks a bit like some.

  Another name might be Cogito.

• Keep this guy around when you make beer. He will keep your beer free from unwanted bacteria.

  May your beer always be fresh and flavorful!

• Although he's a gargoyle, he's widely recognized as the god of documentation. Hence, his name, Fred (f****ing really excellent documentation). He is the patron saint of technical writers.
• Hmmm.... I reminds me of a story I have in a Horror Anthology at home. A fellow bought a statue very much like yours from an old and decrepit man. It turned out that the statue was really some sort of demon who fed off the vitality of whoever owned it until they could bring themselves to sell it, or they died. Of course, it fed in a quite unusual way...

  You don't have dreams of being raped by a black monkeyish figure, do you? Have you been feeling tired lately?

  Why? Oh, no reason...

• Set him in a pool of urine, give him 4 taps on the head with a willow stick and he will serve you for a fortnight. Do not let him smoke cabbage.
• I think he's just tired. A diety on a coffee break. Having infinite cosmic powers must get boring after awhile. Or maybe he's just plotting world domination.
• This little bastard's gaze pierces everything - including your soul. He's seen it all, though, so I wouldn't worry about it too much.
• exploration for exploration's sake. earth, planets, space (inner and outer), states of consciousness (did i already say that?), rides quantum information currents.
• It looks like the sort of creature you meet on your way into Hades. It asks you questions that have no right or wrong answers but on your reply to which rests the fate of your soul. I imagine late one night t might start speaking to you in a calm matter-of-fact way about issues of great profundity but the next day you won't recall exactly what it said.
• If you treat her well, you can be assured that your noonday meal will always be satisfactory. Abuse her power, and your lunch will be anguish and misery for as long as you live. She is best appeased with an offering of cold cuts and carrot salad.
• This is clearly the statue of a minor deity in charge of guilt. His purpose is to make mortals feel guilty through his presence on Earth in the form of the statue. Since you've written this web page about him, the goal has clearly been accomplished. As a disturbing emotional magnet, he ranks second only to Bob Ross, the painter on TV.
• Long ago, when time was measured differently than it is now (it was measured in days and lunar cycles and seasons, not in milliseconds or nanoseconds), the gods that watch over the earth would visit the earth on occasion. they would come over from their home and visit when it pleased them, and take pleasure in that which they had created. they would visit the thundering surf of the ocean's edge and the numbing pressures of the black ocean depths and the brilliant coral reefs and take their pleasure in the physical world there and the animals and plants that thrived there. they would visit the summits of the mountains and the lush green valleys and the stark beauty of the wastelands (which still supported life for even the emptiest place on earth teems with life). and the gods would make their way on the earth with their servants and the members of the ir courts. and one god, named B'Shallin, who had taken pride in her creations among the arachnids and horseshoe crabs, was overseeing her domain and romping in shallow water with some of the horseshoe crabs (which are arachnids, not crabs). and a member of her court, the feline-headed Ty!kung, asked of her "why, my Lady, do you ignore the humans and spend your time only with the 8-legged ones?"

  and B'Shallin said to her, "because I have seen them."

  Ty!kung looked at her Mistress in confusion and professed that she did not understand.

  "Go forth among them and watch. And thus you will learn."

  and so Ty!kung came among the humans and watched them for years uncounted and uncountable and came to understand. But with understanding came a compassion that her Mistress had lacked and so Ty!kung chose to stay among the humans that she had come to love. and she watches over us with a peace that only the wise fool can know. and she is bemused.

• This is your brain on drugs...
• It seems to like being with o you.
• The little demon is watching what you are doing. You better make sure that you do not do anything specific foolish; he is trying to find out everything he can about not only you, but the whole human race. What he will do afterwards? Well, if he still finds us interesting, he probably will stay there and watch you. He might leave you to try to learn about humans by watching someone else. Hope you won't miss him, cause one day he will be gone. What about when he has watched enough people to think he knows humans completely? Either stay and watch over us, so nothing happens to us poor little creatures, or just vanish inte the eigth dimension.
• He knows when you are bad or good, so be bad for goodness sake!
• He waits. Waits for what, you ask? I don't know, and even if I did, I couldn't tell you. It's classified. You're probably better off not knowing, anyway. No, no, don't worry. Chances are, you're safe. I think. Whatever you do, DON'T expose it to ULTRAVIOLET LIGHT. That would be, um, unfortunate. Be careful.
• She is clearly borne of Bad Vibes. Keep him close as it probably makes a good cup of coffee.
• Buy him a beer, he'll open up.
• Gomer the Nerd had a date with Cindy, the captain of the cheerleading squad. However, Cindy was asked out by Biff, the quarterback on the football team, on the same night. Cindy thought that since Gomer was a Nerd he obviously had nothing better to do than sit in a restaurant waiting for her so she planned to go out with Biff and then later get a free meal out of Gomer. Biff and Cindy went to see a movie, but not having a whole brain between the both of them(after all, they are cheerleaders and football players) they went to the theater right across the street from the restaurant where poor Gomer was patiently waiting. Gomer had been quite bored until this point, and was only going to wait another three hours when he saw Cindy and Biff across the street. He became quite angry and immediately began plotting his revenge...
• This deity most likely lives in the felching-centers of your brain.
• Damn Form won't let me put an umlaut on the u in "Führer" :-)

  Definately likes Sausages, you can tell by his chubby little cheeks. Definately a Benevolent Knockwurst Sprite. His purpose of existance is to accelerate you to a higher consciousness

  Instructions for use:

  1. Wait for Proper Moment to invoke the UberWurstFuhrer. The Proper moment is very context dependent. Usually something like the following should trigger an appropriate state of elevated consciousness ::

      
          ....  
     
                        /dev/rsd6a: UNEXPECTED INCONSISTENCY; RUN fsck MANUALLY.
          
                        THE FOLLOWING FILE SYSTEMS HAD AN UNEXPECTED INCONSISTENCY:
                            /dev/rsd0a (/) /dev/rsd0g (/usr) /dev/rsd6a (/sd6a), /dev/rsd6
          b (/sd6b)
                            Reboot failed...help!
          
          

  2. Upon reaching a state of nirvana similar to the above, retrieve the Knockworst Sprite from your shelf, place him so that his eyes may st are into the appropriate display devices, and rub his stomach while closing your eyes and chanting slowly: There's no place like home.. There's no place like home..

  3. Assuming you have satisfied the prerequisite state of mind, you will be in stantly transported to a comfy chair with 6 kinds of beer on tap, and all the cheese and knockworst you could wish for. NOTE: Incorrect invocations will result in your being inflicted with the baffled stare of an already paniced user prepared to whine at you incessantly for the next few hours
• It can be summoned using apparently random combinations of the 3 holy words: CAR, CDR, and NIL. Offerings made to the Dingus are usually composed of Marlboros, Primus tapes, and chocolate-covered espresso beans. It knows more about pigeons than you can hope to know about your bellybutton. The real one is not white, but sort of greenish-brown with faint purple and grey stripes. Not recommended for internal use. Use only in a well-ventilated area with plenty of cats (big ones).
• The statue was originally a gift to Horus from Isis. Whenever Horus was feeling despondent, the statue would open its mouth and when Horus inserted his penis, it would perform oral sex on him. The jiz had to be drained from it every couple of days.
• Probably has spent tto long sitting on the top of a church spire or something
• He eternally watches over his domain, occasionally waking to cause some mischief to stay in practice.
• I know this guy. His name is Carl, and his mom is still looking for him. Please call (xxx)-xxxx-xxxxxx immediately!
• In its infinite stillness it radiates wellbeing. Its softness promises total fulfillment. Its total humility creates peace. Many are the gods, but only one is Bahoozny and, though small, its presence is a blessing !!
• "I am the keymaster and you are the keyhole..." Yon gargoyle once sat dutifully atop a high-rise luxury apartment building in the lower East side of NYC. Actually had a credit in one of the Ghostbuster's films. A workman chisled her off of the building and traded her in Chinatown for one of those fuzzy critters that turn into evil monsters when they get wet...
• Why do I know this is a skog? Because 'skog' is 'goks' backwards. From what I know, skogs don't really have any motivations. They just 'are'.
• She is obviously the observer of personal comfort . Her main function in your environment is the temperature range of your office heating and cooling. Her lack of clothing or thick body hair makes her very alert to a cold office. If you look very close at her skin, you will probably see goosebumps.
• He is trapped until a mortal utters his true name, at which time he will collect their soul and control their mind.
• He's a good spirit, he'll watch over you. Though sometimes he will get bored and play a prank or two, on you or someone else. Getting himself, or you, or both into trouble. A good guy to have around, though sometimes you have to be patient and just put up with him. But when you get into deep trouble he'll be there to protect you, or guide you over the path of light, making sure you don;t fall into any of the hidden pits of darkness. Being a part creature of the dark himself he can see them much better than we ever could. He is one of those rare beasts that's the spawn of a creature of the dark and a creature of light, and yet himself is more of the light than the dark, he has chosen to use his power, his knowledge of the dark side, to be a protector. And, lucky you he's chosen you to protect. However this leads me to wander why you have been chosen to have such a special creature watching over you. Might it be that you have been chosen for a special quest? Watch your step. I'd advise asking the Oracle as to just what all this might mean.

  (BTW, this text field is too wide)

  [ No, your web browser is badly designed. -MJD ]

• Gumps are strange. One day it'll be sitting on your shelf, watching your friends `constructively' criticise your program, the next it'll be breakdancing on top of the jukebox in the Students' bar (invisibly - it only knows one dance, and it's embarrassed to let anyone see). And you'll never see it move. But it'll be back on the shelf in time to spot the next bug. Don't you just hate it when people see your bugs, and don't tell you...?
• He just knows everything there is to know, And the stupid ignorance of we, humans amuses him so much, he spends the rest of his life observing our errors, thinking. "Gosh ! He didn't even see that !"
• The statue is of an Egyptian creature of myth circa 800-1200 BC. The legend tells of a demonic creature that had plauged the Pharo (not sure which) stealing from his treasuries and manipulating the Pharos child into plotting the assasination of his father. After the child had succeeded, the creature was captured by someone named Seth (I don't think it was either of the Biblical ones) and enshrined with the Pharo locking away its evil ways until some robber broke the seal sometime around the birth of the Roman empire (circa 200BC). Since it was never believed to be a helpful creature (like the sphinks or the gargoyle) his existance was, little by little, forgotten. Today, those who now of this creature give statues of him to those people whom they wish to fall on hard times. Don't thank the good prof yet.
• I think he should stop eating cheese.
• [] is still waiting. But it was kinda painful last time, so [] can afford to be patient.
• Look into its eyes and you will learn much from it.
• Obviously, s/he's been looking for you for some time, and has no intention of letting anything bad befall you now s/he's back home. I suspect s/he eats bugs for breakfast, but only if no-one's looking (and not if they're alive (like spiders, or bees or whatever). If s/he's looking for a new home I'd love to adopt.
• It was exiled from the anti-matter universe of Qward for being to evil, for he has devoured bilions of planets. He was originally created as a law enforcer who would devour any world that did not conform to the Federation of Planets view of how a planet should behave. He turned rogue, but was eventually captured, shrunken down, put in stasis, and sent to our universe. But be warned, for the people of Qward were not entirely unforgiving, and allow him 10 days of freedom every 10,000 years, and soon, HE WILL AWAKE AQAIN!!!!!!!!!!! Do not worry for yourself, however, but for your planet, because, you see, the way that he is awakened is by using part of your mystical energies, and it will be grateful to you and will save you by transporting you to a planet with an Earth-like environment.
• When you have a software bug that is bothering you, pick up the statue and squash it!
• Glum demonstrates his understanding of the futility of existence as he squats and twiddles his thoughts until time ceases to flow.
• The deity depited by this statue, The Richard, (Dick) for short, represents undaunted readiness for endless copulation. If the penis of all penis's took a sentient form, he would look just like Dick.
• where can i get one
• My Precious! Where's my Precious! (Oh sorry that's Gollum...)
• The statue is clearly a representation of Feebis ( also Phebis, Fibis and Phibias depending on translator), the Sumerian God of Satisfying Defecation, hence the position and the facial expression. -- Dave Mack (remember me, you sick fuck? Hi, how they hanging?)

Moral: Always test your programs before you release them.